Incident 18.11.09 approx 20.30pm

You know your love life is a barren wasteland when your cousin from Ghana comes to visit and fires questions and accusations as to why you (the 23 year old girl) do not have a boyfriend.

''you have to have fun'' she sings in her west African lilt '' When I was your age'' (shes only, oh i don't know....all of 4 years older? '' When I was your age I had four guys on the go...'' (ooo) ''Even now when I go back, I will see nice boys, nice a big...and have fun with them...'' OK, so shes more tenacious, bubbly and confident than me, her reserved cynical English cousin...and she has nice dewy black skin...something that a bit of Sun will reward you with when you live under the equator.

What got me though, and my little brother who ended up having to leave the table after having a laughing fit, was when we sat down to eat our dinner with my cousin who continued with this statement: (african accent is imperitive)

''Have fun now, and then settle later. Because you know, to guys, we are like objects in the supermarket. New stock, then Reduce to Clear...then you are cleared if lucky if not then its off the shelf because you've passed the sale-by-date.''

What? are you dear cousin comparing us girls...me...to a can of Delmonte canned fruits on the shelf at Morrisons...woe - not even Waitrose...i compared myself to morrisons and not even fresh fruit!
After her high-larious if not a little lacking advice, I was sent to show them out. Gladly, not becuase I wanted to rid of my cousin who had come to say goodbye after finishing uni in coventry and heading back to Ghana, but because she makes me laugh.
So off we set off. I open the door and lo and behold, my next door neighbour (we live next to students.) comes out. All the poor guy wants to do is use the lift too.

My cousin:
''OOOOH you, your very tall and handsome! hey have you met my cousin?''
At which point everyone laughs...including my family indoors...
As I enter the packed lift (my cousin, her daughter, sister and their mother and the student) my cousin decides that the close proximity is not nearly uncomfortable enough for me or the poor student neighbour.

''So have you met my cousin Alex, she lives next door to you..''

The student, cute and very tall laughs nervously, then looks at me ''err..yeah we've met...''
My cousin ''how old are you?''

Student: ''23''

Cousin: ''Perfect - she is 23...you live next door!''

Me: ''I have to live here and see this guy every other day...you are heading off to Ghana!''

Everyone laughs...at me, not with me.
The lift takes its time getting to the ground floor. Long story short, I dont think I will ever be able step out of the house again.